I was really upset when the checklist grew longer and longer and I started to realize that I would not be able to do all of the things that you were requiring me to do. It just felt cruel. I was a bit smug when I started trying harder and harder to keep the list and follow all of the rules, but then grew desperate when I started to see it was impossible. That desperation and the gulf between expectation and belief chipped away at my self worth. I knew that I could never be worthy in this way. The desperation turned into anger and I was so angry at you, God. Why would you do this to me? Why would you do this to other people? When could I be good enough in your eyes? When would I be allowed to feel good enough? That was really messed up and I’m still upset about it.
Prayers of Anger and Doubt